When Harry met Cheryl: What will happen on their totally-about-to-happen date

When Harry met Cheryl: What will happen on their totally-about-to-happen date

LAST week I revealed what Cheryl and Nadine Coyle said when they bumped into each other in a club, despite the fact I wasn’t there.

Now â€" in further evidence that after years of over exposure I’m basically one with Chezza â€" I bring you exclusive details of a conversation she hasn’t even had yet.

It’s her totally-about-to-happen date with Prince Harry…

THE SCENE: A PRIVATE TABLE AT MAHIKI

Prince Harry sits alone, looking sad but still totally hot. Cheryl nosurname bursts in, out of breath.

Harry: “Chezza! One, like, thought One had, like, stood One up!”

Cheryl: “Juan? Is he your PA? The text he sent us was a bit too coded, pet.”

Harry: “One said let’s meet at M. One thought it was, like, totes obvs.”

Cheryl: “I’ve been waiting at McDonald’s, pet. Maybe it’s time Juan got a P45.”

Harry: “One is way sorry.”

Cheryl: “I hope you’re not going to talk about J uan all night…”

Harry: “No way! We are, like, gonna get our pardy massively on!”

Cheryl: “I just need to pop to the ladies’ room first.”

Harry: “The, like, what, babe?”

Cheryl: “The ladies… you know, loo.”

Harry: “One’s never heard of it, babe. One doesn’t think One has that in One’s family.”

Cheryl: “I’m not really interested in Juan’s family, pet. Try and talk about something else, eh? Do they have toilet attendants here? If I’m not back in half an hour, come and bail us out, pet.”

Harry: “One, like, will get you a drink.”

Cheryl: “Well he’s good for something.”

Harry: “Champers?”

Cheryl: “Cheeky Vimto please, pet.”

Prince William and Kate walk in

Harry: “Brosef! Good to, like, see you!”

They bump fists

William: “Cheryl, One is delighted to see you again.”

Cheryl: “Oh you know Juan too, do you? Great. Kate, I love your dress, pet.”

Kate: “No-one can call me frivolous â€" like all my outfits, I’ve worn it before.”

Cheryl: “Yeah I recognise it from Westminster Abbey, pet.”

Kate: “Would you like to hear about all the good causes One is supporting?”

Cheryl: “I’m a bit over talking about Juan to be honest, pet.”

Gary Barlow walks up to the table

Gary: “Hi guys! Hope you’re all having a good NIGHT here in the HOOD. I’m just celebrating that concert I organised.”

William: “One must buy you a drink to thank you.”

Gary: “No thanks necessary, Sir. Kind of you to offer, especially at this time of the evening. You know â€" NIGHT.”

William: “Yes well, we all enjoyed it.”

Gary: “I hope it’s not going to rain later, my coat doesn’t have a hood. Can you imagine being out on a rainy NIGHT with no HOOD? Oh, tell your Nan I said hi by the way.”

William: “One certainly will do that.”

Cheryl: “Yeah, Juan does everything for these guys. Oh look, it’s me mate!”

Will.i.am walks in, carrying the Olympic torch

Will.i.am: “Cheryl! Bumping into you is the dopest coincidence ever! That is a totally dope thought… let me just tweet that…”

William: “Um, I’m not sure that you were actually meant to take that torch home with you…”

Will.i.am: “Dude, you’re just bitter because I thought of adding full stops to our name before you did. That is not dope.”

William: “One thinks that maybe you’re the dope.”

Cheryl: “Well Juan should say it to Will.i.am’s face then, not get you to do his dirty work!”

Everyone looks confused, except Will.i.am, who tweets that he is very confused

Will.i.am: “Cheryl, this gang is not dope. Let’s blow this joint.”

He tweets that he is about to blow this joint

Harry: “But, like, Chezza’s here totes on a date with One!”

Cheryl: “Juan? I thought I was on a date with you! Oh whatever. Harry pet, this isn’t going to work. You’re fit, but you’re just too obsessed with your personal assistant â€" your whole family is. And I didn’t want to mention it before, but I’m not sure a Nazi uniform is appropriate club wear. Auf wiedersehen, pet.”