Hey dude, get a sense of humour: How I got death threats for joking that One Direction are better than The Beatles

Hey dude, get a sense of humour: How I got death threats for joking that One Direction are better than The Beatles

LAST September I wrote a column listing the 10 reasons why One ­Direction are better than The Beatles.

The only way it could have been more obvious that I was joking was if I had written “the previous sentence is a joke” after every full stop.

But I never even contemplated doing so, because it was so very, very obviously a joke.

I’ve had a bigger response to this piece than everything else I’ve ever written. Put together.

And over the nine long months since it was printed, I have ­repeatedly been forced to face a sad truth.

There are only about three human beings in the whole world with a sense of humour.

First my husband informed me â€" in a manner, by the way, which can only be described as gleeful* â€" that there were death threats against me on Twitter.

Then came the hate mail â€" a steady stream from all over the globe, bafflingly regularly and as recently as yesterday.

But now I’m wondering… is the joke actually on me?

Are people only pretending not to get it as some kind of double bluff-esque gag?

Take, for example, this email from last week, which, despite the Mirror being printed only in Europe, came from someone living in Canada.

Good read: John Lennon Paul McCartney with the Daily Mirror in November 1963

 

His paperboy must be ­knackered.**

I promise this is exactly as I received it, although sadly there’s only room for the highlights.

Calling it “probably the most ­uneducated article I have ever read in my entire life” the sender then goes on to address my original points in order.

Bear in mind that if he’s not winding me up, these are the very points that he read and at no time even considered might not be entirely serious:

The Beatles have never been on The X Factor

“I hate those shows and they are most definitely rigged. Anyway, X Factor didn’t exist in 1960. Do your research, idiot!!!!”

One Direction only became a band after Nicole Scherzinger suggested it on the show. The Beatles became a band without input from any of the Pussycat Dolls. Tedious.

“The world and I could give less than 2 cr*ps whatever kind of god damn input the Pussycat Dolls put into anything!!!! You need a reality check!!!!”

When One Direction are apart they always text and tweet “i miss you” to each other. The Beatles didn’t even like each other enough to stay together.

"The Beatles were human beings. With real lives and real problems. Of course they broke up, a lot of artists do.

"One Direction have only been together half as long as The Beatles were together. And The Beatles couldn’t text each other!!!

"It was the f***ing 60s. Instead, they talked to each other. They talked to each other in person, or over the phone. Whenever one was available.”

One Direction call Simon Cowell “Uncle Simon”. John Lennon never even met Simon Cowell!

“Simon Cowell was less than a year old when The Beatles started out. Again, RESEARCH!!!!

"And since when does meeting Simon Cowell make you such a damn musician? Get your head out of your a**!!!!”

The Beatles were famous for their hair, yet no Beatle had better hair than Harry Styles .

“Hair has nothing at all to do with making music!!!! Hair is not an instrument. I honestly despair.”

One Direction are the ambassadors for Pokemon. The selfish old Beatles were only ever ambassadors for themselves.

“Wrong again!!!! Endorsing Pokemon does not make them good musicians. It makes them big sell outs!!!!

"Learn some musical history, make real f***ing points, and make sure the artist you’re supporting is actually better than the one you’re trying to bash.

"You have failed miserably with this article.”

*This is a joke. In reality, my husband would probably be quite upset if I was murdered.

**This is a joke. I am aware that the internet exists.