No bum ideas in Pippa Middleton's party guide

No bum ideas in Pippa Middleton's party guide

Anyone wondering if she had brains as well as bum was left illusion-free last December, when Pippa Middleton published tips for a perfect family Christmas.

They included maverick ideas like decorating a tree, hanging up fairy lights and drinking mulled wine, and I fully believed no list of suggestions about anything could ever be better, or more useful.

I was wrong.

Because this week Pippa has bestowed upon us another set of genius tips, this time about summer street parties thrown for no specific reason at all, and definitely not the Jubilee.

No cashing in on her connections for our Pip, you see.

So, just to clarify: she is not talking about the Jubilee.

Definitely not.

Not at any time.

DECORATIONS

“Use colours of the Union Jack and deck out your house in red, white and blue.”

Red, white and blue is simply a nice colour scheme.

And the Union Jack is a nice flag, so why wouldn’t one of the ideas b e to use it in your ­decorations?

It doesn’t mean anything.

“Helium balloons and paper chains will make it look more festive.”

I’d actually always assumed balloons and decorations would make things look less festive, so this is ­ground-breaking.

“If you’re having a party in your street, Union Jack bunting and streamers look great hung between windows and lampposts.”

Yes, Union Jacks again. Oh come on, cynics, who among us hasn’t been to a flag-themed party at least thrice in our lives? It’s the norm!

Anyway, it’s not like she’s going to use red, white and blue and the Union Jack in all her tips, it’s only this one.

DRESS UP

“Have some face paints at the ready to paint flag motifs on ­children’s cheeks as they arrive.”

OK, I concede that she has mentioned flags again. But she didn’t say which one, did she? She could mean the Tricolor Nacional, ­Venezuela’s flag.

“Provide hat s and party blowers on the table for everyone. Lay the party table with Union Jack flags and bright confetti.”

Firstly, hats and party blowers?! At a party? That idea might just be crazy enough to work! Wonder why no one’s ever thought of it before?

Secondly, OK, turns out it wasn’t the Tricolor Nacional, it was the Union Jack again. Purely coincidence.

GAMES

P.Middy suggests everything from skittles to French cricket to a tug of war. But then she totally flips everything you ever thought you knew right on its head.

Because after the games you were probably ­planning to give prizes to the losers, and make them really rubbish prizes that people would just chuck away immediately, right?

Prepare to have your mind blown.

“Give out prizes to the winners, perhaps mementoes of the occasion which they can treasure for ever.”

FOOD

At most street parties, the grub is an eight-course Cordon Bleu taster menu, always i ncluding risotto and souffle.

But how about this for an off the wall suggestion: “Sandwiches are easiest to make for a crowd â€" have brightly coloured flags in each pile to tell people what they are.”

Outstanding. And to prove it, I've done it! I took “brightly coloured” to mean pink, but you could probably use any colour, like, say, to randomly pick some colours off the top of my head, um, red, white and blue?

TREATS

You know how basically everyone gives kids treats in party bags to take home â€" stuff like bubbles, stickers or a colouring book?

Well Pippa’s come up with the following: “Have a little treat for each child at the end of the party, such as bubbles, stickers or a colouring book...”

So far, so what, right? But then, as always, Pippa totally makes it her own:  “...instead of a party bag, put treats in a souvenir mug to remember the day by.”

What? Look, this still hasn’t got anything to do with the Jubilee, OK?

Are you seriously telling me you don’t get souvenir mugs made after every party you throw?

Best thing I've heard in my life of the week

“Victoria comes home and shows me what she’s been doing all day and what exciting dresses and bags she’s got coming through.

"And then I say something boring like ‘I got kicked today’.” David Beckham

Joey Essex of the week

“As a uni student, I thought the tumble dryer was the washing machine for about three months.

"I used to put my clothes into the dryer and they came out warm and fresh, so I thought it was the washing machine.” Made In Chelsea’s Jamie Laing

Grammar of the week

“Now no one can say nothing to me.” Ashley Cole